im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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