It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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