can u get pink eye on your cock?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
