watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
