I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
