when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
