She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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