Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I got her a Nickelback box set.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
