Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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