She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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