I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
