So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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