to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
