I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
