i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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