Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
