Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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