Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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