Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
