The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
