theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
