I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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