If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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