and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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