I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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