Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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