They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
