allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
