Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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