when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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