we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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