Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How naked do you want me to be?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
