Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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