I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sober January is a disaster.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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