Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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