Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
