so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
