she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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