I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
