you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
