I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
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