Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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