The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
