Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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