I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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