life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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