you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
