The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
