it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
