woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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