Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
