headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You've changed since you got that strap on
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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