well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
