I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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