The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
