is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
