you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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