i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
