I want to stick my p in your. b.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Mom said you looked used
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
